Ah, okay, lot has happened.

First off, the conversation with my mother over my hormone cost didn't surprise me. The only reason why I even tried was because the therapist told me that I should. I think it was a mistake, but I went by his judgment instead of following my own. No one to blame but myself.

Also, I haven't felt like going back to see him. I don't have any issues that I need to work through, just some anxiety over the relationship with me and my folks. I've worked through it. I give up. I tried, I really did. If my mother isn't going to be anything less than malicious and pressuring me to go by her definition of what she thinks is normal, I'm not going to suffer and stress over it. It's damaging to me, both mentally and physically exausting. I'm not going to be the only one trying to make a bridge between us, anymore. I'm done, finished, through with it. Blagh.

I went to see my GP this morning at a 7.45am appointment. I told him that I was transgendered and would need help getting hormones. I asked about being sent to an endo, but he thinks that I will have better chances at seeing a gyno (the idea of a gyno prescribing testosterone tickles me). So I'm giving it a shot, though the idea of me seeing a gyno is demasculanating and embarrassing. I'm going to grit my teeth and get through it. If that doesn't go over, I'll go back to my GP for an endo referral. I'm feeling optimistic.

So I have been back and forth between my hormones/education dilemma. It all depends on how much getting T will cost, if I can afford to transition while I am at JobCorp. JC will take up a lot of my work-schedule, and since I will be living on campus without a vehicle, I don't have a lot available to get work in. Also the fact that I will be doing my training courses full time, and I don't want to lack in my training because of work.

I have quit smoking for ten days now, so in effect I have dropped a $40 per week habit. That will definately help in my chances of getting on hormones.

I ordered a new chest binder from Underworks. It came it today, after only two days. Very fast shipping, and I only payed for ground. My old binders are 3.5 and 4 years old, respectively, with daily use. I've forgotten how snug brand new binders are, and how easy it is to become trapped by your elbows and shoulder blades. It is worth it when I see how flat it makes my chest. I feel good and confidant. My old binders are little more than slightly snug wifebeaters...

Life has been depressing lately, but today I'm riding a high. I'm really enjoying how things are actually starting to fall into place, and do what they are supposed to. Life is good.

I'm going to try and get an appointment with an endocrynologist in town. I'll go and visit the office on Monday before my appointment with the therapy dude. When I see him I'm going to try and get him to write a referal letter for me to get hormones from the endo.

This all depends on what my conversation tonight IMing my mother is going to be like. When I'm going to be in JobCorp, I won't have the cash to get hormones on my own. I'm going to have to ask my mom if I am going to be able to get some financial help from her while I am in the program. I'm not going to be too optimistic about it, but it's what the therapy guy wants me to do so I'm going to give it a shot.

I can probably get hormones. It's just the cost that's going to keep me from continuing. I don't want to wait to get hormones anymore. I've waited too many years as is.

I am a very reserved person when it comes to interacting with people. I am not used to having someone blatantly and unashamedly picking apart my mental structure. At the end I was raw and a little violated, like he was trespassing and there wasn't anything I could do about it. But, I can recognize that this process is necessary. It will help me on my way to healing, and getting my transition to move forward.

There are a lot of things on my plate for the next couple of months:

July 13 - Next therapy appointment. Make another close after when schedule and work allows.

July 17- Eye exam. I have been needing a new prescription for a while.

August 6 - Work, get paycheck and deposit into account, start driving from Maine in the evening

August 9 - Arrive in Oklahoma

August 13 - Take Greyhound from Oklahoma to Maine

August 15 - Arrive in Maine

After August 16, when schedule allows - Start the process of getting enrolled in JobCorp

August 27 - Appointment with new medical GP.
 

The trip to Oklahoma is going to be interesting. I haven't seen my folks since I moved out at the end of December. It can go great, or it can go badly, depending on how it turns out. I will be leaving my car, since JobCorp doesn't allow students who live on the campus to have one, and most of my posessions. Most of my books are going to be staying down there. I'm going to limit myself to keeping 20-30 of them.

I'm sure I'll think up something else to say in my next entry.

Peace.
 

Went and saw the fellow at the Behavioral Health Center. He's a very pleasant guy, easy to talk to. It was hard for me to really talk with him at first. I'm not used to being so frank with people about my gender, in face-to-face situations. After I got over my anxiety it went very well.
 

MaineCare covered the entire thing. When I made the appointment, they had told me I was going to have a co-pay, $2 or whatever, not a big deal at all, but MaineCare seems to have covered that, too. Kinda cool. I am allowed to have up to two hour sessions a week covered.
 

Being poor and young enough to get state coverage helps a lot.

Since GreatestJournal up and died several months ago, I have lost my entire journal for the past three-plus years. It had a lot of information on my experiences, depressions and frustrations that may have been useful. I was going to show my mother, so that she may be able to understand what I am going through, and how long I have been. I am going to see a professional at the Behavioral Health Center tomorrow, who might have been able to use that information in diagnosing my GID. The journal is gone, no use in making a deal over it now. Still, if I had been paying closer attention I may have backed them up and been able to save them.
 

I'm excited and nervous concerning the BHC. I'm excited because I'm finally making some kind of small progress in getting my transition started. I'm nervous because I have concerns. I haven't seen a person in the mental health field since I was thirteen, and at that time I wasn't ready to let anyone talk to me. I couldn't stand the idea of someone figuring me out before I could, when I thought I was being violated enough as is.

Now, I'm ready. I want to get started, to get my life going, so I can start living.

Peace.